Forget Not: Training Our Muscle Memory for God's Goodness

Trigger warning: Birth and medical trauma

A few years ago, this moving video* was making its rounds on the internet of a former ballerina, who was elderly and suffering from dementia. When Swan Lake begins to play in her headphones, she's moved with emotion and from her wheelchair, gracefully extends her arms and upper body to the music.

Because the choreography was so ingrained into her muscle memory, her body remembered when she heard the music — even from the depths of dementia. And by her expression, her heart remembered, too.

This reminds me of my own "muscle memory" moment, tethering me to God's goodness in the midst of pain.

After the emergency delivery of our son in 2011, I woke up 20 hours later in the ICU intubated with more wires and drains than I could count. Surgeons had worked hours into the night to repair my damaged organs and stop the massive blood loss.

The next day, the surgeon stopped by remarking on the miracle that I was alive and breathing (albeit with help). Still receiving bags of blood and unable to speak because of the breathing tube, I reoriented myself, using all of my energy to scratch out questions and requests:

𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥? 𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘙𝘦𝘦𝘥 [𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘺] - 𝘪𝘯 𝘕𝘐𝘊𝘜 𝘰𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘨𝘶𝘭𝘢𝘳 𝘯𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘺? 𝘍𝘦𝘦𝘵 𝘩𝘰𝘵. 𝘉𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘴𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘮𝘴. 𝘞𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘐 𝘣𝘦 𝘰𝘬 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘳𝘶𝘯?

In addition to my questions, some of the first hard-fought words written by my shaking, IV-burdened hands were this:

My muscle memory drew me to Psalm 103, a chapter seared in my brain during my first health crisis 13 years prior. I needed my husband to read me those precious words of truth in the midst of chaos and confusion:

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me,

bless his holy name!

Bless the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits,

who forgives all your iniquity,

who heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit,

who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,

who satisfies you with good

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Truly, I am no great giant of the faith. I am a fallible, weak, self-reliant woman who easily forgets God’s goodness. But from the pit of the ICU, my muscle memory told me that I needed to remember the benefits of being God's child:

Forgiven of all my sins.

Healed from my diseases.

Redeemed from the pit.

Crowned with steadfast love and mercy.

Satisfied with good things.

Just weeks after the birth of our son, I was diagnosed with an incurable genetic disease that precipitated my health crises and would impact the rest of my life. While complete physical healing on this side of eternity is unlikely, eternal wholeness awaits — and that promise is enough to hang my hope on.

Past trials trained me to cling to God in the midst of pain. Psalm 103 was a balm to my heart that day and countless days since.

May we let God's goodness be a constant refrain as we train our muscle memory and "forget not" God’s sweet benefits even in pain, grief, and fear.

*There are some small discrepancies about the video relating to backstory, but it is still worth the watch.